How to Correct Without Shaming

Transcription:

Hey guys, good to have you back with me on another episode of The Unscrew You podcast.

Lately, I've been having some really great conversations inside the powerfully grounded parenting acceleration group. And today I want to bring up something we talked about at length, in today's coaching call, and we're going to talk about this kind of high level. But I think the reason I'm bringing this up is because I think this is something every parent struggles with. And that is, how do I correct my child without also being critical of them without also instilling shame. And there's a few things we have to look at when it comes to correcting our children. So if you've been in my circle for any length of time, you know, I always tell you do not correct in the moment leave that for later, when things have calmed down when everyone's feelings have calmed down.

And we can actually have a productive discussion about what is acceptable behavior, what is not acceptable behavior? How could we express our feelings, our desires, our wants, or needs in a healthy and productive way? Rather than lashing out at someone? But what do you do in that moment? When you do need to correct? How do you do that without also coming across as being very critical? Now, I don't know about you, but many people who would self identify as good girls or good boys in their childhood grew up with a fair amount of criticism, at least perceived criticism. In other words, even if your parents didn't outright judge you and criticize you, because of how you are trained, and conditioned. And because of your own nervous system wiring, you may have perceived every word as critical or judgmental, and you did your best to bend yourself to that judgment to meet those expectations.

Not only meet them, but then also exceed them. And what happens when a child is growing up with very high expectations that constantly you need to meet and exceed. That creates, in and of itself, a lot of self judgment and self criticism. Why? Because what used to be the job of your parents, criticizing judging, setting expectations, writing you hard, now becomes your job. That voice of the critical parent ultimately becomes your own inner critic, shall we say, over time, and this is how it forms. So I know we talk a lot about how we learn, right? How do we learn? How do we learn things? How do we learn? How do we change? How do we learn how to behave? How do we teach our children how to behave? How do we teach them right from wrong?

And I know that you guys, probably if you grew up the way I grew up, lots of learning comes to you from repetition, right? How do you know how to drive from your house to your child's school, maybe the first time you took a you took a route, and you needed a GPS, maybe the second time you still needed the GPS. Ultimately, after 1020 drop offs and pickups you memorized, right? You memorize the route, and you don't need a map anymore. And you can pretty much go there on autopilot. Probably half the time, you don't even understand how you got there, you don't even remember, all the turns you took you just did them because it was automatic. Most of us learn information through repetition. That's just how our brains work. However, when it comes to behavior, and specifically in childhood, a lot of behavior is actually not learned through repetition, rather through fear, and this is the thing about humans. Repetition is slow, right? I don't know how many times do you need to repeat something until you finally learn? It? Depends, right? Depends on the thing depends on how motivated you are, but several times and how fast is that going to happen? I don't know depends on how many reps you get. But there is one teacher that is almost instantaneous. That teacher is fear.

So when it comes to fear, learning something because during a time where you experienced intense fear, that lesson is immediate. Why? Because your survival depends on it. Let's give an example. Let's pretend a tiger is chasing you. I'm assuming if a tiger chases you, you're gonna be very scared. You're gonna go into fight or flight. That's what your nervous system is supposed to do. And you're gonna run. Let's say you manage to run and hide from the tiger. So you survive. That's a great thing. Even though you were highly dysregulated. In that moment, you were in an actual fight or flight because you were so scared of the Tiger eating you.

And because the action you took or running away, actually saved your life literally saved your life, it immediately gets categorized in your brain and hardwired as a good response. So the next time you feel that kind of fear, this is going to be your automated response so that you can quote unquote save time, instead of having to think through what your response should be, this is going to be your automated response. Now, let's look at a typical childhood because in childhood, for most of us, there are no Tigers chasing us. However, when our parents are angry with us, when they are not happy with us, when they yell at us, when they punish us, when they criticize us, and judge us and shame us. It might as well be like a tiger is chasing us, because our life depends on the love of our parents, we know that inherently we know it, we feel it, we are 100% dependent on these people. And we have to do anything and everything to ensure they love us that they keep us around, that we stay connected to them. That is what our survival depends upon, it is as important as having oxygen to breathe, it's as important as having food to eat. If you don't drink, you're gonna die. If you don't drink water for a few days, you're gonna die. If you don't eat for, I don't know, it's gonna take a while. But if you don't eat, ultimately, over time, you're gonna die. If you have no oxygen to breathe, you're gonna die. If you have no connection with your parents, as a young child, you're gonna die. Infants, and young children cannot fend for themselves. So it is hard coded hardwired, in, in all of our brains, that whatever it is we need to do in order to please our parents, that is survival. Our survival depends on that.

So it is hard coded as a good thing. Fast forward some decades later. And we still operate from those same survival skills, because that's the brain's job to ensure survival. So how does this relate to criticizing and shaming your child and correcting their behavior, when our parents criticize judge constantly set expectations, and then we meet them and they said, higher expectations, we learned that that is a reflection of our goodness depends on us, our survival, and our goodness depends on us meeting those expectations.

So one day, we become adults, we continue the cycle, we take on the role of our parents, and we become our own critics, our own inner bullies, our own inner shamers. Why? Because we've been conditioned to think that that is what is required for our survival. So now, how do we break these sites? Two things. Number one, when you need to correct your child about a behavior come to it from the perspective of curiosity. I want to understand, what do you think drove that behavior? What was the need, or the want behind it? And then let's talk about some other ways that you could ask for those things in the future, that would be more effective, probably. Let me give you an example. Let's say what I really want is for, I want to know that my parents love me and think I'm a good person and think I'm smart and think I'm worthy. And instead of just saying that directly to my parents. What I say, when they tell me that I need to do homework is you're stupid. Why do I say that? Because I don't like doing homework. And I don't want to do homework. But I'm afraid to say that. And it comes into conflict with what I potentially think my parents might react to that, what they might think about me. And so what comes out is my anger.

My fear that and I don't know how to express my fear, because I'm just a kid. So I say the first thing that comes to my mind, which is an exaggeration, that they're stupid. But if my parents were to dig in with me a little bit and lean in with some curiosity, and ask me, what made you say that? That's those are really harsh words. And I imagine that something big there must have been a big feeling that made you say that. Well. Yeah, I was angry. Why were you angry? Well, because I hate homework. Why do you hate homework? Because it takes up my free time. And what would you have liked to do instead? I just want to chill and play.

So leaning in with curiosity, allows us to understand our tool learn better and it allows us to help our children understand themselves better. So what could you say next time? Next time I could say, I don't want to do homework I want to play. If your child had said to you in the moment, instead of saying that you're stupid, if they said to you, I really don't want to do homework, I just want to play. I think you probably would have had a different reaction. Maybe you would have said, Yeah, I understand that maybe you would have empathized and offered to help with homework or offered to do homework, right after play offered to let's do an hour of play and then come back to homework or you would have gone in a different direction than if your child tells you that you're stupid.

So for starters, when we correct our children, that is the first place I want you to go, I want you to lean in with curiosity and understand that beneath every unwanted behavior, every unwanted behavior, whether it's hitting, cursing, being disrespectful, lying, melting down, throwing a tantrum, just being plain as flat out non-cooperative, behind every unwanted behavior lies an unmet need and an unmet desire. And it is part of our job to figure that out, and help our children understand themselves. So first leading with curiosity, then when it comes to correcting, this is how you correct from the perspective of I want to help you express yourself better, I want to help you communicate more effectively. So instead of saying that someone is stupid, can you say, I feel exhausted, I feel maxed out. I feel like I need some time to decompress when I get home from school, and I can't jump straight into homework. That's one thing. And as you know, and if you're one of my clients, you know this by heart, we always go inside of you to see what is stirs up inside of you. Because that is just as important if not more important, than how to deal with it in a strategic way with your child. So what occurs inside of you, when you need to correct your child or when you lash out with judgment and criticism towards your child.

That is another way you participate and repeat the cycle of criticism and judgment that you yourself grew up with. So how do you break that you have to start a noticing it, but also being compassionate towards yourself that same curiosity and compassion that I want you to lean into with your child, I want you to also reflect back to yourself. It makes sense that the first words out of your mouth are judgment and criticism because that's how you grew up. It makes sense that when your child is triggered and angry, and complaining that your knee jerk reaction is to complain about them, is to criticize them and judge them because that is how you were treated, when you complained when you melted down when you had some kind of difficulty motion that your parents didn't know how to deal with. So it makes sense. And we're no longer in a survival state like we were when we were children. That's simply not the case, even though our body feels it. But in reality, everything's okay. So you have to regulate yourself in that moment. regulate yourself and remind yourself you are safe. If you're one of my clients, and if you've listened to past episodes of this podcast, you can use a safety cue if you've already done these exercises for yourself and figured out what are your safety cues, use them. Use them in the moment to help you down regulate so that you don't have to blurt it out. And practice on not in the heat of the moment. Practice outside the moment there is by the way, no practicing in the heat of the moment. Don't practice anything. The heat of the moment is prime time.

That is not the time to rehearse anything. The time to rehearse is when things are not inflamed. And what you need to rehearse is the self compassion, right is melting away kind of letting go releasing your grip on your own self judgment. Because this is what good girls and good boys do best. They judge themselves. They criticize themselves. They are harsh on themselves. And then they also are harsh with other people, be it your partner, your boss, your employee, your friend, your child, it doesn't matter. You you project that judgment onto everyone, because it is a reflection of your inner judgment. So when you can truly release some inner judgment, you will also release the outer judgment and that way, you don't need to necessarily correct your child. You don't need to react With judgment towards your child, and when you do, you will know what to do in the moment in order to repair in order to regulate in order to foster use it as a moment of connection.

I trust this episode was helpful to you guys, let me know if you want to dive deeper into this with me in your family with your specific unique circumstances, you can reach out to me [email protected]. And if you just want to take get a sampler of what it might be like to work with me, go check out the secret podcast for the last time because it is the one and only most affordable way to work with me. My private clients and my group clients are not cheap. It's not cheap to work with me on a you know, one on one kind of setting. But this podcast for the last time you could download that for 28 bucks, it's really not a big deal. So go ahead and do that. The link will be in the show notes. And I'll catch you on another episode. Until then. See you later.