Talking About War

Transcription:

Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of The Unscrew You podcast. And what I want to talk about today is current events, a very kind of sensitive, sensitive topic, hot topic that has been in the news, if you live in the United States, you surely have heard about this, if you listen to the news, and if you haven't.

What I'm going to talk about is how to navigate what is occurring in the Middle East. Right now, at the time of this recording, it's October 2023, there is a really violent, turbulent time in the Middle East, between Israel and Palestinians in Gaza. And while I don't want to get into the content of what is happening, or who started, or the history, or my own personal views and opinions on it, that is not the topic of today's episode, what I do want to talk about is how to navigate your feelings on it if you're directly or indirectly impacted by it, and it's been on your mind, and you've been consuming news, and then also how to help your children navigate that.

Some of you have very, very young kids, so they probably haven't been exposed, unless it's through you. Others have children who are school aged, if your child is in elementary or middle school, or high school, school may have brought this up to them. In many schools in my children's school, I know my middle schoolers heard about it at school. And they also heard about it at home, because we did talk about it. But even if I hadn't brought it up, they would have heard about it at school.

So let's talk a little bit about how to navigate these feelings. Because it is stirring up very, very strong feelings. And there are generally speaking two sides to this conflict. There is the Israeli side, there's the Palestinian side, there is I will say probably also more of a neutral side. But regardless of where you fall there, most likely, if this is something that has touched you on a personal level, you have strong feelings about it. And I want to talk to you about how to navigate those feelings because it's important. Because that will set the tone also for how you help your children navigate through this. And if this is not current in your life right now, you might still want to listen in because difficult topics come up in my secret podcast for the last time.

One of the things I have in there as an optional add on our word for word scripts that you can use to talk about really difficult things with your children, things like war, things like death, things like divorce, things like illness, chronic illness, these things are going to come up for your children, and they're going to come up at a time where you think your kids are too young to handle it. So this is an important discussion. How do I handle this? How do I handle it myself? And then how do I help my child handle it?

And so first, let me say this, in general, children are able to understand and comprehend and process so much more than we tend to give them credit for. So while I fully support shielding our children from content that is extremely traumatic and inappropriate for their development and their age, I do think that we do need to lean in to abstract concepts with them. We need to lean into difficult conversations, we need to be honest and not skirt around or beat around the bush, because they know they know that we are they know that we're withholding from them, even if they don't know exactly what it is. So again, to reiterate, I don't want you to show them specifically on this topic that we're talking about today.

There there's a ton of videos floating around all over social media videos that are quite frankly, horrific, traumatic, they will make you feel despair, an outrage, and they are the true you know, they are the true seeds of of nightmares and terror. And they're, you know, it's not it's not a coincidence that these shocking images are floating around social media because it's part of it's part of psychological warfare.

So, first of all, you have to limit access to your children because just like your children cannot watch pornography. Why? Because their brains are not ready for that information. It would be extremely traumatic for a child to watch pornography. Similarly, why do movies have ratings, because it would be extremely traumatic for a five year old to witness explosions and killings in an action movie that is rated R, or in a horror movie, because children are too young, very, very young to be able to understand that kind of violence.

They're too young to understand and process and make sense of these things. And we don't, so we don't want to cause damage in that way. At the same time, when we talk to our children about difficult topics, like war, like death, we have to both give them honest information. And, at the same time, reassure them and remind them that they are safe in this moment, remind them that there is hope, remind them of the entire picture, because children tend to have a very myopic view. And maybe you feel that way too. If you yourself are navigating, in the midst of, you know, a global kind of traumatic event, you yourself might forget that too. And so you have to balance it out.

When you talk to your kids about, let's say about this war that is happening in the Middle East, right now, if you're talking to your kids about it, I encourage you to tell them, what is happening. There's a war, perhaps you tell them, depending on their age, you're going to share more information. The older they are, obviously, perhaps you bring up the topic of racism, perhaps you bring up topics of hatred.

Perhaps you bring up topics of land, religion, depending on your own worldview, and I am not here to tell you what to tell your kids about it. I'm not I do not want to address issues of content at all, I'm just talking about the emotional experience of it. Share with them, what you share with them, and remind them they are loved. They are safe. If you are living in the United States right now, remind them that they are not in harm's way, no one is trying to hurt them.

But there is hope there is hope that you know this war will end there is hope that there will be peace, there is always hope. There is hope that in Israel and in Gaza, better leaders will rise, that we'll be able to make peace for the vast majority of civilians who want peace, who just want to live their lives, like everybody else does, and raise kids and go to work and have food on the table. And it's not too much to ask. So that is for how to handle it with your kids. So I'm reminding you limit their access, if they have access to social media, you have to limit it, because there's stuff out there that is way, way way beyond what they're able to comprehend. To be honest, it is traumatic, even for adults, let alone for kids, even as a grown up, I recommend you do not watch all the horrific stuff you can be update and have all the information and educate yourself without traumatizing yourself. Or without traumatizing yourself more, let's put it that way.

So definitely with your kids, I want you to limit access and share honestly, as well as give them hope, and remind them and give them the reassurance that they are safe. So now let's talk about how to navigate it for yourself. And there are two things, I think that for me, I will share with you the two things that have guided me and that have kept me somewhat grounded in this experience.

The first one is something I learned from my mentor, and my coach, Dr. Shefali that has stuck with me and has become kind of a mantra for me. And that is there are no triggers on the outside. And what that means is when I watch the news when I consume content, and I feel rage, I do. I feel outrage, I feel despair. I feel pain. I feel sadness, I feel grief, because there are actual physical people who are dying every day, young children dying, young children being orphaned. Right there are parents and children dying every single day, moment by moment, even in this moment. If this episodes airs, and this war is still going on. Then even in this moment, there are people dying.

And that and that's that's just sad and I can feel grief over it and it's it's terrible. And at the same time I also notice that certain social media accounts triggered me, when I read certain people's perspective, certain people's accounts, certain people's and this is on the news as well, I noticed in myself that I was triggered. And so that is something for me an opportunity for me to notice how, why I got triggered, right. So if you've ever listened to any of the episodes on this podcast about being triggered if you have purchased the podcast for the last time that specifically deals with triggers, and or if you're, if you've worked with me in any capacity, you know, that triggers are an internal experience about your past, they are a way in which your body and your emotions relive something from your past. So I've had to grapple with that myself, I've had to look at the ways in which what is occurring right now in the Middle East and the words that people have been using to describe what is going on how those words have triggered me, what parts of me Have they activated, what parts of me are longing for me to see them and hear them and have compassion to for them and integrate them.

So it's been a very kind of introspective process for me as well to remind myself that it's, it's really not about a certain identity, Jewish, Israeli, or Palestinian Muslim, it's not about that. This is not a us versus them scenario. This is not even about land. And it's not even about control. But this is about how our own inner conflict, our own inner terror plays out in the real world. And that is why it triggers. So it's a beautiful opportunity, even though I wish I never had to have this opportunity. It is an opportunity that I do take to sit with in compassion with myself. And with the things that this activates inside me, even as it is still going on. It's not over and to just be in that process, be as present as I can in the process.

And that brings me to the second thing that I've used to navigate this that I want to offer you. And again, this is another thing that comes from my mentor and coach, Dr. Shefali is the topic of a talk she did. I don't remember how many years ago now, I believe it was at a Mind Valley kind of conference. And she said one is a million. And what he meant by that is that one person, one person, one parent, one child, if you can change, help one person change, it is as if you've helped a million people change because that person will then touch other people in their life, who will touch other people in their life, and on and on. So even as one person seems like, not a lot, right, what can I do? I'm just one person. I don't have any ties to, you know, the leadership in Gaza. I don't have any ties to the leadership in Israel like, well, what could I possibly do. And what I could do is I can do the work for myself, I can stay awake within myself, meaning I can resist my own urge to fall back into patterns to fall back into my conditioning to fall back into the zombie like state of unconsciousness. But I have to remind myself to stay awake and stay in my consciousness stay with these feelings, these triggers as they come up, be with them. And by doing so, I will continue to have changed myself, which will in turn also helped me with my children. And all the people in my life that I touch my clients, their children, their children's children. And this is how one becomes a million. And so for you in your life, even if you feel small and powerless, and not important.

Just focus on one, one person, one child and work with the feelings of that person. And so I hope this offers you some inspiration on how to navigate your own feelings around the conflict in the Middle East. If that is a struggle for you.

I hope this offers you some inspiration on how to talk to your children about difficult topics. Topics that you worry they're not ready for. And I hope you take heart in knowing that just by listening to this podcast episode today. You have been present with yourself. You have perhaps gained some insight and you've done the work and I bow down to the whys parts of you that are doing the work. I see you. I see you in my practice every week. And I'm privileged that I get to walk beside you, as you guys are doing the work and that includes those of you who are listening to the podcast and never walk into my practice. That's okay, I still see you. And I still acknowledge the work that you guys are doing for yourselves. So until the next episode, may we live to see better times and may there be peace very soon. appreciate you listening today, and I'll see you on the next episode.